


stars tell me I am meant for you

by putarrilla



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-17 07:09:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13071741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putarrilla/pseuds/putarrilla
Summary: “I’m Alex, by the way.” The human speaks. She nods.“Astra.”It feels like a backhanded beginning, but the name seems right to her ears..Or the one where a planet is dying and a race suffers from an epidemic and two strangers are thrown together in a last attempt to mend what cannot be fixed.





	stars tell me I am meant for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [littlelamplight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelamplight/gifts).



> the prompt for this was 'first times'. my mind likes to wander. so look at the chapter titles, I tried to fix it through there. merry christmas.

 

 

_In the spring we made a boat_  
_Out of feathers, out of bones._  
_We set fire to our homes,_  
_Walking barefoot in the snow._

_-of monsters and men_

* * *

**i.**

“Are you nervous?”

Astra looks at her sister through the mirror. A smirk threatens to appear.

Nervous. Alura is no fool, is just as aware as she is that there is no choice in this matter. That feelings have no place.

“It is nothing more than a blood bond, sister. I’ve bled worse.”

“Yes, but have the implications ever been as severe?”

Sweet Alura. The only one of them who understood how to mix objectivity and caring in perfect amounts.

“It is an honor to represent our planet. To ensure our survival.”

“You’re allowed to be apprehensive, as well.”

“No, I’m not.” Astra finishes putting on her suit, tests the fabric by stretching her arms. Comfortable, resistant. It’ll probably survive the trip. “Now, where am I to get married, sister?”

Alura sighs, but guides her away, nonetheless.

* * *

**ii.**

“So, uhm- I didn’t know. The selection process was never really clear to me - well, I guess it is now - but I didn’t know and the High Judges can be unpredictable. They hadn’t asked for a marriage contract in a long time, and that was even before I left and-”

“Kara-”

“The… _it_ might not even take and if it does, it’ll be messy, of course it will, but I’ll help you out and Eliza will understand too and the procedure itself is super painless, when you compare it to how things were done on Earth. It’s like a medieval arranged marriage, but without the forced-sex part to ensure the heir and-”

“Kara!” She snaps. She can’t _think_. She can’t analyze anything with the rambling alien beside her.  And things are too intense, too risky for Alex not to think, not to analyze.

“Sorry.” Kara sighs, lets her shoulders drop.

“I’m not mad, okay? I mean, I _am_ , but not at you. Not at anyone, really. This whole situation is screwed up, but there’s no other way around it.”

She resumes walking. Kara follows. The soldiers are still helping the lab team to take all the samples to the cargo area, so the hallway is packed.

“What aren’t you saying?” Kara’s tone is softer, more intimate. Alex hates how well the blonde knows her. Hates that she’s completely and utterly worthless at hiding her feelings when it comes to Kara.

“I feel like I’m betraying her.”

“Who?” A beat, they cross a doorway, it downs on Kara. “Maggie? Alex, she’d understand.”

“I said we could talk when I got back. I said we could talk about staying together because I didn't want children right then and she wasn't completely sure she didn't want them at all.” She feels every muscle tensing up, squeezing her blood flow.

She feels soft hands wrapping around her shoulders, turning her so she faces Kara.

“Maggie would want you to do everything you can to save people’s lives. She will forgive you once you explain. This will all blow over soon and you two will talk.”

“What happens when everything is _over_ and I'm still married and maybe have a kid?.”

Alex shrugs free and there’s no reply. There’s nothing to be said. She can’t be with the person she loves, not anymore. And she lied through her teeth and it’s come back to bite her in the ass. She deserves it.

* * *

**iii.**

At the very least, spending eternity with this person won’t be bad looking. Bright eyes, straight posture, seemingly strong body.

The High Elder prickles her finger and she watches as the blood is uploaded to the Codex. She spares her future bond a glance. The woman seems nervous. Their eyes meet.

There have been many times she’s had to calm down soldiers in battle, so she does as she must. She uses a steady gaze and a discreet smirk to reassure the human standing in front of her that it is painless, that they are doing this for both their people.

The Elder breaks the human’s skin, collecting the genetic material and they all hold their breath. In all their years, this is the first time the Codex has been used for any other species.

The code is uploaded and instantly merged to hers.

She and her bond turn up their wrist and soldiers insert the needles in their bloodstream. Astra meets bright eyes another time. It is done.

Part of each other, responsible for the child that may take form inside one of them. Responsible for the peace between their races.

Krypton will die, but Kryptonians will not perish.

Cheers explode around the room. Astra keeps her eyes strained on the one she’s connected to, feels as the new cells run through her body, creating a new sense of fulfillment.

“I’m Alex, by the way.” The human speaks. She nods.

“Astra.”

It feels like a backhanded beginning, but the name seems right to her ears.

* * *

  **iv.**

It didn’t hurt as much as she thought it might. It felt weird and invasive, it just didn’t hurt as much. And there was kindness offered too. Not from the member of the council, this deal is not as much about kindness as it is about mutual survival. Astra, however seems to understand they are both stuck together, and that had been a comfort she had not expected.

* * *

**v.**

“We’re boarding the ships in a bit.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Your sister, she-”

“ _Wanted to make sure I’d come._ ”

How wrong it is, to not speak her own language in her planet’s last moments.

“Yes.” Alex mumbles.

Astra notices the hesitation before she is joined by the railings.

She got someone with bravery. Interesting.

“Kara said Krypton was different. It never occurred to me that different also meant beautiful.”

“It makes me wonder how your _Earth_ is, if you find this devastation pleasing.”

She still has a very vivid memory, of how her world had been before its downfall. The lilac waterfalls in the distance, reflecting the red of their sunlight. Wild Oliphents running in the greenery which used to surround the cities.

The beasts have been extinct for years, now.

“It makes me think of how beautiful this was before, if it is this pretty while dying.”

A brave one, indeed.

“May I ask you something?” The words seem strange, coming out of her mouth with twisted syllables she’s yet to get used to.

“Shoot.”

Astra has been trained to react. She does not expect the shocked look in Alex’s face when she draws her gun.

“Where?”

“What?”

“Where is the shooting?”

“No.” Alex brings her hands up, brows furrowed. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Does not shoot mean to use the bullets on a weapon?”

“No, it does, but-”

“I am confused.”

“Shoot means _shoot_ something. It may be a bullet or just words. It depends on the situation.”

She holsters her gun. Humans are not as tactical as she’d thought, if they use such an important term so carelessly.

“What did you want to know, Astra?”

“Would you have done what we have, if only my world was the one at risk?”

Her bond seems to ponder, fixes her eyes in a distant point.

“I like to think I would have.”

“You are not certain.”

“No.”

Alex drops a palm to her stomach. No matter which world, that action is intergalactical.

“It may not take.” She thinks it is reassuring.

She has a clear mind. Rao had not granted her a child with Non, before he perished. She’d had Kara and it’d been enough. She doubts it’ll be much different, with this new arrangement.

“I’ve been told.”

Astra does not understand this woman well enough to know if it is relief or regret she detects added to the phrase.

* * *

  **vi.**

She’s not felt like the offender often in her life. As she checks the loaded samples, though, Alex is pretty sure she’s no better than animal smugglers, targeting a weakened system to take some sort of profit.

The DEO’s orders are understandable, from a strictly professional point of view. All these specimens, all the plants and animals and elements will no longer exist once Krypton is destroyed and they may be a source of genetic gold. But it seems cruel, to take curiosity on something from a dying world _while_ said world ends.

But Alex is a soldier. She follows her orders, splitting heart or not.

She eventually finishes and the strength she uses to shove the tablet with the listing away is not nearly enough to satisfy her. Neither is hugging Kara close as they hear the blast. Nothing seems slightly enough and she’ll need a lot of hot baths to wash away how dirty it makes her feel.

* * *

 

**vii.**

There’s no force in the universe which could break her away from the ship's window, once they sail away and out of Krypton’s atmosphere. She needs to see it, needs to register her home growing smaller, needs to know that it is really gone.

Alex, somehow, seems to lurk around, ordering the soldiers around in a less severe voice than she’d used while they were on land.

Seconds before Krypton explodes, she feels a familiar hand slipping in her own. Sweet Alura. Her mirror, her warmth outside her body. They watch their world turn to dust together. She feels something exploding somewhere around her stomach as the flames consume Krypton into nothingness.

When she understands she’s staring into emptiness, she turns away. She finds Kara, half hidden behind a pillar, tears marking her beautiful face. Her niece has arms around her. It takes Astra a moment to understand the arms are Alex’s.

She’s strangely grateful Kara is not alone.

* * *

  **viii.**

“You know this is stupid, right? I mean, you’re aware of how sixteenth-century this whole thing is, _right_?”

She’s gotten married. She’s had her genetic material mixed with an alien’s and inserted back into her. She’s been impregnated. She has faced everything with not much complaint but _this is fucked up_.

Alex is pretty sure she should be reserved the right to go to her own room by the end of the day and be alone with a few drinks and-

Yep, no, not with a few drinks anymore, because she’s too self righteous to drink with the slight possibility of that hurting another creature, but still. She’d like to be alone at least once a day in this fucking ship.

Hank sighs, shrugs, seems apologetic. Her life is a joke. That’s the only conclusion she can draw.

“No one seriously expects this arrangement to be normal, but you two _are_ the faces for the idea now and you need to be a united front all around.”

“So get us conjoined rooms or something. I don’t know the woman, J’onn.”

“I would if I could, _agent_.”

A soldier walks past them, nodding his head.

Professionalism. Right.

That’s still a part of the deal.

“The best I can do is get you another bed.”

“Well, that is obvious.”

Alex flinches, looks behind Hank’s shoulder to see Astra- no, Alura (no fucking hair stripe and the more open expression, of course) standing there.

Yeap, her life is for sure a joke.

* * *

  **ix.**

Sleeping is not an option. Krypton’s violent end comes to her every time she shuts her eyes, so it is not an option.

“Is something wrong with your mattress?”

“Uhm, what?” A whisper, as if anyone would hear them. As if anyone would question it. They are expected to share quarters, so they do. They are expected to look eager towards each other, so noises coming from their room shouldn’t be a concern.

“You seem not to be able to stay in a position.”

“Oh, sorry.” Silence. Charged atmosphere. Just as her planet’s. Just as her home’s.

“It’s not a complaint.” She smirks into the darkness. Out of everything, out of their entire future aspect, her bond is still so incredibly uneasy over simple prospects.

Her mind wanders. Back at a smiling child, running to her as she drops her army bag. Back at Non’s dead body, his head five feet away, torn off by an enemy’s claws. Back at target practicing with Alura.

“Astra?” Another whisper.

“Yes?”

“Do you think this will work?”

“It has to.”

“I know it does, but do you think it will?”

“I haven’t been obliterated and you have your vaccine. The odds should be in our favour.”

“Faith has never been enough to keep people alive.”

“You are right.”

Astra turns her back to her bond. She hears a sigh. It is fitting.

* * *

  **x.**

The crew seems to divide without much thought. As a matter of fact, it never actually merges.

Humans to one side, anxious to get home, to hopefully bring a solution to the virus killing most people they’d ever met. Kryptonians to the other, mourning, reminiscing, trying to come to grasps with what it means to migrate to an unknown planet.

Kara stays by Alex’s side. She sees how it eats her friend up, forcing herself away from her parents, from her family. She also sees how the In-Ze twins suffer. How they lurk around the blonde, pondering whether to approach or not.

They never do.

Astra doesn’t speak on the matter until day five of their journey.

“What does Kara do on Earth with you and your _DEO?_ ”

“I don’t think I should talk about her with you.”

“She is my niece.”

“And she is my friend.”

“Answer me this, then: is she happy?”

The desperation she hears is not imagined, so she complies.

“She is happier than when I met her. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“No.”

Kara stays by Alex’s side and the days turn. They turn and turn and she thinks most of their foreign company does not sleep much. Lack of sleep leads to stupid decisions, which would explain why Alura thinks it is a good idea to approach Kara during dinner time, a week and a half after Krypton’s explosion.

Everything is said in shouted whispers, first in English, due to Kara’s reluctance in answering her mother in Kryptonese, though the conversation quickly turns to that.

Kara slams her hands down on the table suddenly, nearly shouting a few last words before storming out. Alex doesn’t follow until a few minutes later.

“I loved him so much, Alex, so much I would have given up my house and my world for him and I wanted them to tell me not to, I wanted them to see that it didn’t matter that he had been banned, that he was good and he made me happy. I wanted them to tell me that they just wanted my happiness, but they never did and what else was I supposed to do?!”

She shushes the crying woman, cradles Kara’s head into her shoulder. She wonders when their relationship had turned so sisterly. Still, she stays until the tears are dry.

“Mon-El of Daxam was doomed to break my niece’s heart since the moment he first laid eyes on her.”

Astra sits in bed when Alex enters their room, her eyes on the ground. She notices, as she closes the door behind herself, that she’s never seen the Kryptonian in anything but a perfect posture. That is not true for the scene in front of her.

“He did.”

It’s almost reassuring, how Astra’s eyes snap up, fire in them. At least Alex is not the only one ready to defend Kara, despite it all. She ponders her next words carefully. It is a betrayal, of sorts. She just hopes it’s for the best. (much like what she’s done with Maggie).

“I arrested him for causing some trouble around the city. He escaped and as we had them booked as living together, we went to their place and Kara was- she wasn’t great.”

“Did he lay a hand on her?”

Alex knows that tone. Knows the hatred, knows the danger of revenge.

“I don’t think so. He left her, for sure, tore their place apart while grabbing his things.”

A beat. Another. Silence and hurt and confusion. She can relate.

“If he has done all you say, all we _warned he would_ , how can she still hold him dear?”

“Love is chemical. It unbalances the brain and causes erratic behavior. It isn’t logical.”

“I know love. Love does not intoxicate. Love is not pain.”

Perhaps that’s true.

 

_(One does not know pain without meeting pleasure.)_

* * *

  **xi.**

Alura and her have always been forgiving towards each other. A team thrown together by a glitch in destiny.  A set of individuals mixed down to the most molecular of aspects.

They've always been forgiving, because no one else was. The comparisons were constant. They had to be united, if not in the same body, then in the same mindset.

That was the plan, anyhow.

She and her sister have always forgiven each other's mistakes. Every different step set them as different beings, but every forgiving word made sure they were still together.

This time, however, Astra is not sure she can forgive.

It's true that Alura was the one to carry Kara. It's true that Kara is the result of Alura’s bond, not her own.

It is also true that Astra has put in just as many hours as Alura when it came to raising the girl. Zor-El died the same summer as Non, the same summer as Kara’s first birth moon and while her sister healed her soul from losing a husband, Astra found comfort in picking up a crying and snotted Kara from her crib and shushing the child into tranquility.

She has none of said comfort in watching her niece, no more a child, striding away from the dining room.

Alura had been selfish. Had been too eager and listened too little and

 _I am her mother, I know what is best_.

The progress they'd been achieving on getting their Little One back was minimal, at best. But Kara had stopped frowning every time she caught one of them looking. Kara had started lingering for a second when Astra had to receive her orders beside the human’s command table.

The progress had been minimal. It _had_ , however, been there.

Watching Kara snap, watching Kara defend and attack, it is as watching Krypton burn all over again.

Simmering, dangerous, explosive and, finally, deadly. Decisively finished.

Astra knows they have been set all the way back to the start with their relationship with their adored, proud child and Astra knows she cannot take this sort of frustration another time.

Alura is the one love she has always been sure of and that statement stands correct. Alura is the one who was never meant to a military career due to her lack of understanding of non-programmed consequences.

Also correct.

* * *

  **xii.**

Logically, she knows she could have taken a test way sooner. The scientist in her is screaming she should just get it over with. Knowledge is power and as cliche as such a saying is, there's a lot of truth to it.

Emotionally, though, she isn't ready to have the information.

Alex has always known she wanted children, always known she had too much love inside for it to remain her own forever. She has also always known she wanted kids under the _right_ circumstances. Ideally with someone she loved, someone she knew what was made of, someone she could count on.

Astra doesn't strike her as the type to walk away, even if she could. Even if any of them could. But they don't _know_ each other.

Two weeks is not enough time to understand the yes and the no’s and the quirks which make a parent.

It'd seemed too abstract when Hank had approached her about the bonding situation. It had all been speculation and a bit of blood. Nothing nearly as grounding.

“I'm supposed to get my period in the next few days.”

Astra blinks, nods. Their anatomies function in the same damn way, worlds apart or not.

“Mine will take longer.”

They have come to talk more in the privacy of their room, each in their respective beds, facing each other, always making eye contact. Something draws Alex to look at the woman, something about the nearly undetectable accent and about the precise ways she moves her lips while talking.

“If it doesn't- if it doesn't come, I'll take the test to- you know, _know.”_

“Yes, I do know.”

Alex breathes in. She isn't sure she wants this. She is more inclined to not wanting it. She is more inclined to not have any ties besides Kara to the In-Zes. She is more inclined on not having to get to understand Astra because it would feel worse. It would be real and the feeling of betrayal inside her chest would be worse. She really would have gotten married and pregnant a month after last seeing Maggie and it'd be just too bad of a scenario.

She waits two days. She doesn't sleep much, so she spends the nights staring at the ceiling, aware Astra has been doing the same ever since Krypton stopped existing.

Alex waits two days, geno-mapping the plants they'd collected and listening as Kara talks and talks and talks. About each memory she has with the dead planet’s flora and every trip she'd ever taken to the 'countryside’ as a girl.

Alex waits two days. Her period does not come.

* * *

  **xiii.**

“When will she do it?” Alura has a slightly tilted head, looks exhausted, even from across the table.

“Later today.”

“Do you hope for a specific answer?”

Her sister sounds hesitant. Good. Their communication has been scarce since the dining tragedy.

“You know me better than that.”

“I do, yes.” A beat. Alura drums her fingers beside her plate. “I also know you have chosen to ignore your wishes before. With Non, with your career, with this _arrangement_.”

“Please lower your tone.”

She glances around. The people need to believe her bonding was a democratic decision all in all.

“Whatever the result of this procedure is, sister, it will further the changes in yours and your bond’s lives.”

“I'm aware of that, Alura.”

“Then when will you allow yourself to be weak? To be breakable?”

“Whenever my strength is not needed.”

Alura glares, understands the underlying _whenever you become stronger._

Astra finishes her food. She's allowed to feel, but she does not and that, _that_ is worrisome.

* * *

  **xiv**

“Would you- would you permit me to come along?”

“It takes nearly an hour to process.”

“I do not mind waiting.”

“Alright.”

Astra is in front of their mirror, tying her hair back. Alex thinks her gut is meshed into a single, united mess.

Kara had offered to tag along as well and she had turned her down.

Kara is lovely and kind. Kara also talks too much when she's nervous and Alex needs to hear her own thoughts.

She figures, however, that Astra is as fucked as she is, depending on how this goes.

As they walk down the hall people part like a red fucking sea. Maybe it's a bit paranoid of her, but as she meets a few wondering gazes, she's pretty sure everyone knows what they are about to do.

Maybe it's a bit paranoid. Maybe she should have let Kara tag along because she has a tendency to analyze too much.

Winn is waiting for her by the door of the lab. His reassuring smile falls for a second when he sees Astra and although he'd never admit it, he's dead scared of the Kryptonians. Even more so of the soldiers, of what they'd be able to do with training _and_ the powers they'd gain on Earth.

But Winn is a good guy, is kind and lovely in a way Alex is not really used to. So he fixes his posture, gestures for them to enter and closes the sliding door.

“This won't hurt.” He smiles, cleaning Alex's arm with an alcohol wipe. “Just a little pinch.”

“Winn, I'm not a kid.”

He chuckles, nods, seems chastised enough. “Right.”

A pinch and the syringe starts filling up.

She tries to imagine it. Her stomach expanding and expanding and then a little human with soft skin and fingers smaller than her eyebrows. A bubbly mouth, piercing cries and miniature outfits.

She can't put a face to the tiny human. She can put eyes, maybe as bright as Astra’s, but no particular color. She can imagine chubby legs, but no nose.

She can see random things and none of them make this feel any more real.

Her foot starts bouncing. She doesn't stop it. No one asks her to.

* * *

  **xv.**

Kara had become enough. Gradually and surely, Kara had become enough to suppress the ache, the missing part of her which craved a child to call her own.

The hole in her chest had screamed before her father had introduce her to Non. It had hallowed after their bonding, shouted and pulsated when Alura had fallen pregnant. The missing part of her had wept and wept over her infertility, over the one thing Alura had gained that she had not.

But Kara, sweet and happy and pure had become enough. Day by day, soothing song after soothing song, Kara had grown both in size and in place in Astra’s heart. Her niece had grabby hands, a wandering mind and a keenship for adventure which reminded her of growing up in a thriving Krypton.

Her mind had stopped feeding the thoughts, venomous and deceiving, of soft calls of _mama_ she could actually respond to. Her mind had _stopped_. Had come to a halt by Kara’s eagerness to live.

Her niece had been enough to fill a hole she had no way to close. When the human technician carefully lets them know that the genetic crossing had indeed _taken_ , said hole gaps open once again.

* * *

  **xvi.**

“You’ve done something wrong.”

“I haven’t.”

“Of course you have. There’s something _wrong_.”

“Alex, there isn’t. The machine is fully functional and I just inserted the blood. There were no mistakes.”

He’s lying. He’s wrong because there _is_ something _wrong_ . There has to be because she can’t breathe. Because her lungs are moving but there’s no air coming in and everything is _wrong wrong wrong. It can’t be happening. Everyone said it would not take and Maggie is gorgeous and waiting for her on earth and Maggie does not want kids, not under any circumstances and so Alex cannot be having a kid. It is just not right and how can she be happy without Maggie? Without soft teasing and a small body falling asleep beside her and this is all wrong, Winn fucked up because this should not take and this should only save her world, not ruin her life in the process and-_

And green orbs with big, black pupils invade her visual field, replace the starking white of the lab. Green eyes stare right into her own and they are panicked, but grounding. They are scared, lost, but they are steady.

“It is not right.” Astra nods, doesn’t shift her gaze and yes, nothing is right. “It will be something for us to fix.”

Yes, yes it will because this whole shit is wrong and messed up and how in fucking hell is she supposed to have a child?

“It wasn’t going to take.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Her voice is weak and she is not weak. Goddamnit.

“It _might_ not have taken.”

“It wasn’t supposed to.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Reassuring, panicking green eyes still focus on her.

“What are we going to do?”

“I cannot tell you that, but I don’t think it will be as challenging as saving two species.”

“Have you ever seen a baby teething?” Winn mumbles. Alex notices her breathing is still happening, because her scoff is automatic.

* * *

**xvii.**

“I don't want to tell anyone yet.” Alex speaks. It feels like it's been many moons since that happened. She cannot blame the human. Both their paths have been decided for them, but Alex's is the one which the detour will be more apparent in, at least for the better part of the first year.

“Did your Commander not know about today's procedure?”

“He did, and I'll tell him, but I don't want to _announce_ it. They've all made such a big deal of- of _us_ ,” The woman gestures between them. “they'll want to spread the word and I don't want that.”

“I agree. It is best to leave this amongst ourselves until we understand it better.” Astra lets her eyelids drift close, lets her hands wonder to a spot on her forehead, where she feels a pounding starting.

“I still- How is this happening? I mean, yeah, we made a deal so people wouldn't die but I don't even fucking know you and-” Alex stops talking and Astra thinks she stops moving, as well. “Sorry.”

“What for? You do not know me as I do not know you.”

The footsteps around their bedroom restart. She focuses on that pattern and imagines an empty battlefield. She's spent long enough wishing for those for them to become her safe space, now.

“We should change that.”

“Change what?” Astra opens her eyes again, squints at the strong lights. Everything in this spaceship is harsh and pretentious and it makes her miss Krypton’s sunlight.

“We should know each other. Now that we can't just ignore each other. I'm not, well, I'm _definitely_ not going to do this alone and I'd like to understand how you'd want to work things before the baby is actually here.”

“I-” _when will you allow yourself to be weak?_ “Fine. What would you like to ask?”

Alex gives her a little smirk, and finally (thank Rao) sits down.

She isn't sure about weak, but allowing a human free range to chirp away must show vulnerability. At least, she's sure that is what her sister would say.

When Alex asks about her family, Astra misses Alura with all her insides.

* * *

  **xviii.**

Earth is almost too near for her liking. She watches from the control panel as they approach her home planet.

Alex misses her world. Misses smelling something that is not fabricated. She misses her mother, misses her apartment. She does not miss seeing people drop dead on the streets.

It will be good to return. If anything, the mission has been a success so far. Every goal has been achieved. A pacific interaction with a new species, securing the vaccine, crossing over the distance with their alien mates with no big disturbances. Everything has happened as it was supposed to.

Somehow, getting back still feels flawed.

Maybe that is because there’s _Maggie_ and there’s _Astra_ and there’s someone _inside_ of her.

Getting back feels more daunting than leaving had, once upon a time.

The crew is agitated, trying to control the Kryptonians already affected by the sun. Kara zaps around, pulling a few condescending kids from the ceiling and warming rooms frozen over by sudden blasts of freezing breaths.

Alex stands on the control panel, reading the signals and adjusting the route.

“How long until we land?”

She has grown used to the voice, finds some sort of comfort in it, ever since the lab event.

“We should be there within a day.” Alex sighs, pulls up a few readings from their engines. Techs had found a small problem with the pull in the breaks, though by the file she skims over, that seems to have been fixed.

Only then does she change her attention from the screen to Astra. She expects the inquisitive look (which she gets), she does not expect, however, for the woman to be placed a foot off the ground.

Astra, to her own credit, seems to be handling it well. Her posture is perfect, as usual, and her arms are straight down beside her body, hands forming relaxed fists.

The alien motions down to her legs, perhaps a little exasperated. Alex almost laughs.

“Ah, yes, this appears to have happened somewhere along the last hour and I cannot bring myself down.”

“Hasn’t Kara-” She stops herself short. Of course Kara hasn’t. Kara has yet to talk to the twins about anything at all, let alone communicate long enough to walk them through something as small as flying.

Alex makes a mental note to kill her later.

“There are a few techniques for that, but there’s one that seems to be working alright for most of you guys. Try imagining vines on your feet, drawing you down.”

They both wait, glancing at Astra’s boots. Seconds go by, close to a minute, and the woman still floats.

“That does _not_ seem to work.”

She sighs again, leans against the panel’s desk area.

“Rocks tied to your waist?”

One more minute. If anything, Astra starts drifting up. She grabs the woman’s wrist once Alex’s head aligns with the Kryptonian’s hips.

“Have you been properly instructed to teach these _tricks_?”

“I _am_ the instructor. We just need to find what works for you.” Alex gives the wrist in her hand a temptative tug. Astra’s height does seem to waver. “Did you have parachute diving in Krypton?”

She receives a nod after a moment of silence, in which she’s sure the meaning of _parachute_ was being searched.

“Have you ever tried it?”

“We did use something alike during war, yes.”

“Do you remember how it felt to fall? The increasing speed? The weight of your body pulling you?”

Astra brings another hand forward, takes Alex’s offered free palm and the woman slowly appears to attach herself to gravity once more.

Alex bends her elbows, tugs very slightly. It is almost as guiding a kite.

“Or falling from a jump? Landing on solid ground, letting your legs support you?”

Her nose is aligned with a shoulder blade now, her arms nearly bent at a right angle.

Finally, Astra’s feet touch the ground.

Always gratifying, showing someone how to work psychology.

“Thank you.” Astra gives her a small smile. Alex allows herself to nod before letting go. A warning sounds from the panel and she turns, being immediately confronted by an image of Earth, of their landing station.She misses her home, but she dreads getting there.

* * *

**xix.**

“You were good with me.”

Astra does not flinch. Does not allow her heart to beat faster. She meets her niece’s gaze and does her best to keep her composure.

“Clearly not always.”

“Yes, but you were good raising me. When I try to remember being really small, I know you were there. I know mom was, too, but you were _always_ there.”

“Your mother loved your father very much, you have had this conversation with her.”

“I have and I get her side. That’s not why I’m here.”

Kara steps closer, Astra does _not_ let her fingers tremble.

“Why, then? You have kept your distance so far.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not ready to forgive you two.”

“I cannot understand why you are still angry with us for wanting to protect you-”

“You wanted to control me.”

“That is not true, Kara and-”

“Stop!” Kara steps closer yet again, lowers her voice so no one will hear. “I had this fight with my mom. This is _not_ why I came to find _you_.”

“Alright.”

She cannot force this. She cannot make the same mistakes her sister has. She loves Alura and she has to be the one to think straighter, for both of them.

“Alex told me about what happened. And I- She’s amazing, aunt Astra.”

Her Little One smiles. Not at her, not about her. It is breathtaking, to see such a smile up close once more, not matter the reason.

“I have noticed you two seem to have a very close relationship.”

“We do. That’s why you need to be careful. Your life is still here, everyone you love is on this ship, but Alex has a life waiting for her.”

“I did not expect her not to.”

Astra wants to hold her niece, wants to talk about the different constellations and how the military system works on Earth. She does not necessarily wish to talk about her bond, about the imminent changes they will be responsible for.

“What I mean is that it’s going to be complicated. More than it already is. And you need to be ready for that.”

Kara, always protective, like her, always sweet, like Alura, always too naive, like their dead world.

“I am not, Little One. Alex is not ready, either. None of us are. This arrangement is not something I imagined as a possibility, so it is not something I have ever prepared for. It _has_ happened, however, and your friend? She and I will take care of it.”

“I don’t want her to get hurt.” Kara frowns, tries to stare Astra down. She has heard whispers about _Supergirl_ , about the great and powerful hero, facing the enemies humans could not defeet. But Astra has seen Kara eating dirt and crying after clumsily crushing a flower. The strong look does not work on her, despite her tendency of giving into the girl.

“She will get hurt. As will I. That is what it means to sacrifice yourself for a cause.”

As they land on Earth, Astra feels unprepared. It does not stop her from following her people into the new world.

**Author's Note:**

> ho ho ho this is a gift for the _amazing_ @littlelamplight and it almost did not exist. I thought it would be fun to take part in a secret santa, since i know absolutely no one in this part of the fandom and I then proceeded on nearly having a heart attack when the names were drawn and I got my _favorite_ supergirl fanfic writer. It took two days of self-convincing for me to even think about the prompts and another week to start writing so.... yeah.  
>  also I have a [weheartit](https://weheartit.com/soulwrench/collections/137740320-x-stars-tell-me-i-am-meant-for-you-general-danvers-x) collection for this fic which may or may not contain spoilers for the rest of it and also a general danvers spotify [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/12148691676/playlist/67A42wdVADDTKdJwSrofVN).  
> (yes, I know, who the fuck still uses weheartit?)


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